56 days in

Let's just say my commitment to the program has been better than my commitment to blogging.
I'm 56 days into the 84 days of living exclusively on OptiFast 900. That's 2/3rds complete. It's been remarkable to see the shift from day 1. In the beginning I was worried about staying on the OptiFast. Now, on day 56, my worries are about re-introducing food.
The 2nd week of PMS was as brutal as the first. It's a struggle to stay on program and it's frustrating to GAIN WEIGHT on 900 calories a day. But it's educational to learn that if I hold true to being healthy even when it's hard, even when the results aren't there, at least I don't go backwards (much). I can hold within a pound or two and that might be the best it will ever be.
My cheats have been tiny and insignificant. There was a slice of fresh carrot and a lick of stuffing during Thanksgiving. The odd lick of a finger when making the kids food - almost always mindless. I chewed on a piece of ham and spit it out. There was a day when I started on tiny pieces of roast but I stopped pretty quickly. That's over 56 days! I'm pretty impressed with myself.

The worries of eating

There is an ease and convenience to the liquid diet. The lack of choice - for me there's not even a flavour option - just makes it simple. I grab a package for every meal I'll miss. Take a shaker. I know now that bottled water and ice are easily available at Subway, both my work spaces and (I've heard) McDonald's.
My sense is that I'm going to miss the simple packing and preparation when I return to real food. The return of stress of making the right choice and the work of creating food that's appropriate will both hit at the same time.
The Partners for Healthier Weight program spends the next few weeks talking about nutrition. It's exciting to have the opportunity to study the value of food and understand nutrition.
I wish I could embrace the counselling aspects of the program as well as the nutrition education. There is value in the counselling. My challenge is the willingness to work as it's needed. Some of it is just hard for me. Journaling makes me uncomfortable.  The concept of building my support systems makes me value my friends even more and greatly appreciate their loyalty.

Not pumping iron....

Not pumping iron, swallowing iron.

The post of a few weeks ago reflected a moment in time. One hopes the worst period on this program for me.

It's been getting better again. I'm on my 2nd week of adding an iron supplement to my program and it really seems to be making a difference.

Palafer CF is my drug of choice for now. Hopefully it'll bounce my often low iron back up. It had dropped more than 50% from week 1 blood work to week 6.

Maybe this will start my energy levels in the right direction.

The hardest week yet

So the quick calculations have me at 27 days in to an 84 day process and complete 33%!  That means 108 Optifast down and 228 to go.

Weeks 1, 2 & 3 were a relative breeze. Week 4 was horrible. Saturday and Sunday were miserable. I spent the whole time napping. 4 naps in 2 days? A bit much for me.

Temptation has been everywhere and my desire to eat isn't waning. I'm craving salt - it almost seems like I can smell salt. To the point where I wouldn't make good choices. The salted cucumber I craved in week 1 has been replaced by a desire for potato chips.
The consistency is helping, and there is weight loss. But looking back over the last 3 weeks it doesn't seem worth the effort.  If  rate I'm losing doesn't increase my 12 weeks fasting will have a total impact of:

1. reducing my activity level,
2. losing some of my positive habits around exercise, 
3. increasing some of my bad food cravings,
4. missing my kids and stressing my husband, and
5. losing on average 2lbs a week.

Would 24lbs be worth it?  Would 50lbs?

Is it worth running slower, feeling weaker?  Missing family meals?  Giving up an extra evening a week that could be spent exercising, being with my kids and giving my husband a break?

Right now the answer is a big fat IF.  This is only worthwhile IF it gives me a higher longer quality of life.  And my confidence about that is falling.

Not something I can answer yet, but at (what I hope is) the end of the worst week yet, it's hard to be positive.  But it's not impossible.

There are others out there

Just got a lead on a new to me blog.  I'll be following along with http://optifastblog.wordpress.com/.

Running Large: Running Again

Today I start back to a Running Room clinic. John Stanton is going to be able to retire on what I've spent on the For Women Only program, Learn to Run program and 5km Program. (To be fair, I probably made back what I've paid when I was a co-instructor for the 5k.)

My latest foray into Learn to Run was reasonably successful. I worked my way up to 10&1x2. So I'm moving up with most of my clinic to the 5km program.  I can already do the time, I tried it out a couple of weeks ago.  10&1x3 is doable. At my speed there's not much distance covered.

On the Partners for a Healthier Weight program during the 900 calorie OptiFast phase I can't increase my exercise. But since I've dropped a few other activities because summer is over, it should be fine.

The goal for this clinic is to keep moving. Based on my runs over the last 2 weeks I'll continue to lose speed from my super-slow speed walker pace to an even slower elderly-strollers-will-pass-me pace. Luckily there's a running buddy at my speed who keeps me at a reasonable starting pace. Looking forward to seeing her tonight.

Lesson 2: There is a choice

Taking away choice is - at the moment - a relief. It removes the stress of debate. Sometimes the choices should have been easy: greek salad vs cheesies. But sometimes they were more challenging: greek salad vs garden salad. Plus there was always a debate about enough of the right protein.

When someone else made the food, I was never confident what to pick. When I made the food the debate just happened during the preparation.

Other times it didn't seem like there was a choice at all.

As ridiculous as it sounds, to me it seemed my body was demanding a cinnamon bun. With certainty that a fortune teller would envy, I could predict that after drinking the water and eating the healthy snack I was still going to have the cinnamon bun.

But now I see how that was my choice. And it's a little scary. Because there's a slippery slope.

Friday there was a trip to Costco and the sample tables were out  My husband spotted and went for onion dip on ripple potato chips. It actually went though my mind... three chips can't be many calories, maybe I can have one. (I didn't!)  

But the next thought was, maybe that's why I'm still struggling to lose weight. Those little blts (bites, licks, tastes and snacks) over years must add up. If my weekly trips to Costco included 250 calories of samples, that alone could help me gain 1/2lb in one year.

Now that I know I can, the task will be to choose to skip those taste tests in the future.