56 days in

Let's just say my commitment to the program has been better than my commitment to blogging.
I'm 56 days into the 84 days of living exclusively on OptiFast 900. That's 2/3rds complete. It's been remarkable to see the shift from day 1. In the beginning I was worried about staying on the OptiFast. Now, on day 56, my worries are about re-introducing food.
The 2nd week of PMS was as brutal as the first. It's a struggle to stay on program and it's frustrating to GAIN WEIGHT on 900 calories a day. But it's educational to learn that if I hold true to being healthy even when it's hard, even when the results aren't there, at least I don't go backwards (much). I can hold within a pound or two and that might be the best it will ever be.
My cheats have been tiny and insignificant. There was a slice of fresh carrot and a lick of stuffing during Thanksgiving. The odd lick of a finger when making the kids food - almost always mindless. I chewed on a piece of ham and spit it out. There was a day when I started on tiny pieces of roast but I stopped pretty quickly. That's over 56 days! I'm pretty impressed with myself.

The worries of eating

There is an ease and convenience to the liquid diet. The lack of choice - for me there's not even a flavour option - just makes it simple. I grab a package for every meal I'll miss. Take a shaker. I know now that bottled water and ice are easily available at Subway, both my work spaces and (I've heard) McDonald's.
My sense is that I'm going to miss the simple packing and preparation when I return to real food. The return of stress of making the right choice and the work of creating food that's appropriate will both hit at the same time.
The Partners for Healthier Weight program spends the next few weeks talking about nutrition. It's exciting to have the opportunity to study the value of food and understand nutrition.
I wish I could embrace the counselling aspects of the program as well as the nutrition education. There is value in the counselling. My challenge is the willingness to work as it's needed. Some of it is just hard for me. Journaling makes me uncomfortable.  The concept of building my support systems makes me value my friends even more and greatly appreciate their loyalty.

Lesson 1: What you control

Choosing to participate in 12-weeks of a medically supervised liquid diet teaches you a few unexpected lessons. The one that hits home right now is:

1. you control what you control and nothing else.

Remember just a few days ago when I was worried over my weight loss?  It wasn't much worth worrying about. Because I'm certainly not worried about my weight gain.  Yes, you read that right, my weight gain.  I'm back up 2lbs.

Just so you know, I'm 100% faithful to the program to date. Not a morsel, calorie free or not, has passed my lips.  My water intake fluctuates between three and five litres a day. So on 900 calories of a perfectly balanced meal replacement, my body can still gain weight.

Oddly, I'm not worried or frustrated.  It's a relief.  It's never seemed believable that hormones and water might make me gain weight. Weight can be gained even if I'm on track for balanced calorie appropriate meals and exercise!  I have proof.  I can only control what I can control.

Next I need to take that discovery and turn it into action.  The number of pounds I weigh on any day is just a number.  It can help me know when the trend is going the wrong direction.  But what's really going to matter is:

1.  making good choices as often as I can, and 
2. not getting demoralized.

The number is just a number. It's a solution to an algorithm with too many unknown variables to calculate. It's as opaque to me as calculus. So I'll focus on what is clear.  How I:

1. fuel my body, and
2. how I use my body. 

Partners for a Healthier Weight - Day 11

I`m still trudging along on the Partners for a Healthier Weight.  No taste or food has passed my tongue except for the vanilla or chocolate Optifast 900.  In the first 4 days on a liquid diet there have been a few moments I expected to be challenging.

1. My family met with my sister and parents on an outing that included a picnic.  They were great and didn`t offer me any food, but did push a bottle of water on me.  (Not such a bad thing).
2. Attended a birthday party with snacks, cake and ice cream.  Saying no the first round was easy, but I did have to get up and move away from the leftover cake.
3. Helped my husband prepare the kids food for supper.  He was taking care of diapers, pasta and cooking.  So I pitched in to slice up cucumbers, cheese and ham.  It went ok... but I`m upstairs typing instead of downstairs with them because the smells were tempting.

Today I`m actually hungry.  Maybe because breakfast was late? Maybe because my back hurts and that makes me want to eat?  But I don't want anything sweet.  Cucumbers have become an over powering smell for me.  (I love cucumbers with salt).  I would trade a days worth of packets for tuna and cheese or just about anything with salt (especially cucumbers).

The idea of going without real food is still baffling to me.  Right now the approach is get up every morning and try my best for the day.  Celebrate how far I've come already.  So when I go to bed tonight, I'll be 5% done the liquid diet phase.  Down to 80 days.  In moments by myself I'm still too near tears about the fact that this is what it's taking me to lose weight, that I couldn't manage it by myself.

But I am losing weight, and I am trying to keep habits that kept off the weight from my first weight drop from near 280lbs to between 220 & 230lbs.  So I log my food.  (Silly, right?  The same thing 4 times a day).  My water is all logged, too.  I weigh myself everyday, but don't get worried about it.  Interestingly I did gain weight at least one day on the program.  Keeping my exercise up is a challenge.  There's a little lack of energy and also a nagging back pain that started the same day as the liquid diet.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

What is Partners for a Healthier Weight?

To quote some of their welcome package, Partners for a Healthier Weight is a "medically and psychologically supervised" program that "uses a meal replacement called Optifast which provides 900 calories per day.  The meal replacement is 12 weeks in duration and is followed by a 6 week transition to food.  Regular physician/nurse assessments and blood work are all a mandatory part of the medical monitoring.


The meal replacement will certainly help you lose weight; however it is the weekly facilitator-guided sessions that are essential to your long-term success!"

Before the program starts there needs to be a referral from your family doctor, an initial fasting blood work, and an extended online survey.  The results from the blood work and survey are the basis for the meetings with the nurse, dietician, and psychologist.  They all assess you for your likely success, review the survey and have some questions of their own.  Plus there's a bit of a physical with the nurse.

Week 1 was a welcome and introduction where the nurse, dietician, psychologist and physiotherapist are all present.  Because of the pre-work I'd already met the nurse, dietician and psychologist.  There was a meet and greet to get to know some of the other participants.  Once we'd done the meet and greet the group was divided in half with half starting with a walk test and half starting with weighs and measures.

The weighs and measures were much what you'd expect.  Waist measurement, a body comp analysis and an extended blood pressure test.  I've forgotten the waist measure and blood pressure, but I have the Tanita Body Composition Analyzer TBF-310 results.

Height 5'5"
Weight 226.0
BMI 37.6
Impedance 422
Fat % 45.8
Fat Mass 103.5 lbs
FFM 122.5 lbs

The walk test was a bit of a surprise to me.  They suggested comfortable clothes and sneakers.  It turned out to be the 10 M Shuttle Walk Test.  I was kicked out at level 11 for not making the time.  After it was over I regretted not wearing my sports bra - it was nearing a full out run for me.  Unfortunately my course was shared with another who went even farther than I did.  I probably went out because of the pressure on my back and hip of always having to turn left and the dizziness.  Wish it could be done again and there would be an option to turn left or right on demand!

Most of the rest of the night was caught up in signing away waivers, quick talks and getting an intro to week 1.

Week 1 was a 1200 calorie diet with a strict measure of tracking.  Each day there were:

• 5 70 cal servings of grains and starches (only 2 could be bread, corn, potato, turnip, squash)
• 3-4 65 cal servings of fruit
• unlimited vegetables
• 2-3 90 cal servings of milk or alternatives (milk, yogurt)
• 6-7 75 cal servings of meat or alternatives (1 oz) includes cheese, eggs, peanut butter, legumes
• 3 45 cal servings of fats
• 2-4 condiment servings of 20 cal

The first few days I struggled to get to 1200 calories.  I was out and about and didn't have the reference with me.  By the end of the weekend, knowing it was your last time in a long time to chew food, it was really hard to stick to the program.  There is a cupcake splurge I must admit to being the lone participant in.  There were also many of my favorite healthier foods - spinach, corn, raspberries, and apples.

The first week had a high level of anxiety for me.  The idea of not eating was just so far out of my realm of possibility it was stressful.  There were nightmares and random feelings of being completely overwhelmed.

It's actually been less challenging to be on the liquid diet than to think about being on the liquid diet.

Partners for a Healthier Weight - Day 9

More details to come later on the Partners for a Healthier Weight Program.  But I wanted to share that I am enrolled and doing my homework.

What that means today is that I`ve just finished day two of 84 days on a liquid diet of 900 calories.  That means only 328 (of 336) more drinks to go.  And then, presumably, I get to crunch something.

The liquid product is surprisingly disgusting.  The OptiFast 900 in Canada is only available in vanilla and chocolate.  Both flavours taste vaguely like cake batter.  Cold seems to improve the taste some.  Made with ice in a blender and using a straw to minimize time on the tongue works best for me.  I`ve also gone well past the recommended amount of water to dilute the taste.  Both flavours of OptiFast 900 taste better when I`m hungry - but with four packets a day - I`ve only been hungry when out longer than I expected.  (Wishing for other flavours or chewing, but not actually hungry).

Odd side effects have been minimal.  Behaviour changes are a bit surprising.  I`m brushing my teeth constantly. Not certain if that`s to rid my mouth of the flavour or because the toothpaste introduces another taste.  The dry(er) mouth is noticeable, but not problematic.  My lips have also dried out so there`s an increase usage of lip balm.

My early speculation is that the nasty taste for me - and the almost gagging response to the last few mouthfuls - is not dissimilar to how I feel about many proteins (especially powdered), bananas and yogurt.  Might explain the low iron that`s plagued me through life.

As for the running, it`s still going.  I finished the learn to run clinic with a slow 3k.  This week I got in a couple of 10 & 1s on Sunday, Thursday and Friday.  Thursday was about 2.7 in 24 minutes, Friday was 2.5k in the same 24 minutes or so.  Not fast... but still moving.

It's Legs and Lungs

It's true to say that my first attempt at learn to run was a failure. My second was difficult, but successful.

Throughout my second Learn to Run clinic I experienced difficulty at every level. Every week we increased the consecutive minutes running was harder. My legs were sore. My lungs hurt from the effort. My trip home was just thinking about the stretching, the waffle, the shower and the nap. Really? Once I'd done my run for a day I was done for the day.

This time around was a little different. Running came back slowly post-baby #3. But effort was made to get in shape with classes, gym routine, walking, ellipticals, etc. It's worked. Getting my run in for the day is just part of the day. Unless I got up at the crack-of-stupid for my run, I can get through a run day without a nap.

Maybe it's thrown my balance off a little, too.

My legs are ready for more - longer strides, further distance, faster pace. My lungs? Are dying. I feel like a smoker struggling for my last breath.

Any advice on how to get back in sync? (Besides not working out and letting my legs weaken to my lungs pace.)

Eating right instead of eating wrong

Eating right is a struggle for me.

Mary tweeted about grocery shopping everyday. She reminded me how far I've come. Not that many years ago I walked through a grocery store to get home everyday. My habit was to pick up supper and my 'snack' for the night. Usually large chips & dip, cookies, Smartfood, chocolate, or my favorite - cheesies. I often ate a large bag of cheesies in one night. Or two. But never three.

When Mary tweeted? My first thought was - wouldn't that be great - fresh fish every night. Quick access to fruit when you run out. Salads just waiting to be picked up. That was a great reminder of how far I've come.

But within a few minutes I knew that today I'd still much rather open a giant bag of cheesies then make a salad. It's hard to understand. The cheesies taste yucky. I feel yucky when I eat them. There's even an eating hangover where my body is dragging for eating them.

So I do the easiest thing possible. I don't buy cheesies. If they get left at my house after a party? They've been known to be opened and DUMPED IN THE GARBAGE. (Or dropped in a food bank box).

But removing the nasty food from the house is just creating a new bad behaviour. Lynn at Life Health Fitness called it Disordered Eating. Mine is less severe. I don't purge. But I do binge. There's a need to keep eating when I'm:

• tired
  
• bored
  
• angry
  
• alone or
  
• with others
  

Sometimes I eat til I feel ill. I eat past the food tasting good. I eat when it makes me uncomfortable.

This behaviour? With the food hangovers, the yuck-factor? Gets in the way of my return to running. Slows me down. Makes me feel bad.

I'm going to beat it.

Eight years later, I can say that even if I lived IN a grocery store there will be no return to the daily intake of chips, chocolate or pop. That's a lifestyle change I've made.

And I'm keeping it.

Running fat: On the treadmill again

Moving on up! Finally got off my rather large ass and got on the treadmill. 35 minutes while watching the Biggest Loser last night. My walks are a little faster than when I was 7 months pregnant, but still a quite slow.

But it was mostly good. I worked hard. Got a good sweat going. Was moving. I don't hurt today. That's all good.

Tonight I was too lazy to do it again, but I did pull out the Wii and did 32 minutes of Wii Fit. That's on top of my walking lunges and crab walk to the bus stop and the sumo walk back. The kids music class "Parent Room" was empty, so I did a few crunches, situps and planks.

My todo list is changing. Instead of just having my homework, things the kids need, meal prep and similar now it starts with "30 minutes of activity".

It feels good to move, to sweat and to feel strong. If I can work this in while parenting 3 kids and going to school? Surely you can, too.

Eating better

Obesity Boot Camp taught me that the little things count. That I shouldn't be trying to change everything at once. That I shouldn't be focused on losing big amounts of weight over a little amount of time.

Since Canadians can't get on Biggest Loser, I kind of have to agree.

I think it was Health Psychologist Michael Vallis that spoke about a theoretical weight loss of 50lbs. That most of us would see success as losing 50lbs in 6 months and keeping it off for 5 years. According to him, long term success would look more like losing 10lbs over 3 months and keeping it off for a year. Then losing another 10lbs. Rinse and repeat until the last 9 months of year 5 you are at goal weight.

To do that? You make small changes and stick with him.

My small change last week was to drink 64oz of water everyday. To help me make it happen I've been putting a container of water (just for me) in the fridge each night to chill. (No more foot stomping and childish behaviour when the kids and husband use up all the cold water in the family pitcher).

It worked. I lost a 2.6 pounds.

This week my goal is high fibre cereal (Fibre 1 Honey Clusters) 5 mornings a week.

On Thursday I'll know if it worked.

Fibre1 Honey Clusters has the following nutritional information per 1 cup.
Calories 200
Fat 1.5g
Sodium 300g
Carb 43g (Fibre 13g)
Protein 5g

Plus it has 50% of my daily iron (something I need).

Running fat: Checking in

Still not running. Still not walking.
But! I did drop a couple of pounds in a week.
Running is still part of the equation, but here's a new interim goal. Losing 15 lbs by Thursday, December 17. So to keep track of where I was and where I'm going my starting measurements on October 8, 2009 were:

Weight - 224.4
Waist - 43
Left Arm - 14
Right Arm - 13.5
Left Leg - 26
Right Leg - 26
Hips - 52
Chest - 46

Running while fat: the first goal

Success comes in many forms. Success for this summer was producing and caring for a beautiful new baby girl. She was a healthy 9lbs 15oz.

There were occasionally forays of activities. Two weeks on the treadmill again. Determination to get out walking. But nothing consistent.

I'm back within a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. But I'm already fluctuating up from there. So that means it's time to kick this journey off again. I have so many excuses not to. Kids to care for. House to clean. Meals to cook. Homework to do. Classes to attend. But to paraphrase something I heard on CBC's White Coat Black Art - obese people don't get old. If you see an old fat person? Take a picture. Because most are dead.

Where am I starting from?

Slightly injured. My back lower back is hyper-extended (SI joint). That's causing some hip and shoulder problems, too. Prolapsed uterus that happened postpartum. (That has somewhat worsened the urinary incontinence).*
Haven't weighed myself in awhile, but I will!
No running partner. She's dealing with a long term injury.
Fluctuating between eating well and living on cookies.
Drinking my water more than half the time.
Doing a core-training class once/week.
Regular stretching and Physio that's helping the back, hip and shoulder.

The first goal?
Get moving again!
Hoping for two weeks with three or more walks of 30 minutes or more. (Some of those will be pushing a stroller with about 50lbs of kid in. Please forgive me if they're slow.)

Anyone in?

* Have to note that I'm not the only one. Thanks to Christie O for posting her True Confessions!

Running Fat & Slow (but with a partner)

Active.com has a great article up about running with a partner.

I have to say, all 8 tips are ones that resonate with me. My running partner has been all of those things, and a great motivator. It was the driving force for many months to know that if I didn't get my training runs in, I wouldn't be able to keep up with her on our regular weekend run. I'm someone who hates to disappoint people, and I knew she wouldn't want to leave me behind, so it worked out well.

Stumbling across the perfect partner for me through the Running Room clinic was pure luck. How did you find your running partner?

Can't wait to be back out there with her. Not sure how long it'll take me to catch back up after the baby arrives!

Status update:
No strolls, walks or anything for me. I'm beat and uncomfortable these days. Growing a baby is hard work. Plus two sick kids. (Excuses are great).
36 weeks pregnant
Slightly over 252lbs (I did stay below 250 for nearly a month, but just jumped up there again today).
Water intake fluctuates, but it's better working from home than it was at work.

A little holiday from running fat

Apologies for the delay in writing. There will be no activity in the next few days. The sick, the kids and the solo parenting are ruining my motivation. Will be back when the husband returns.

Lose weight to help the planet

Lose weight to help the planet argue British researchers.

It's one small step towards making obesity something I can expect will cause me to be discriminated against. Not only is my weight problem hurting me, my family and my future, but now it's my fault that there's global warming.

Logging activity: April 19, 2009

2km stroll in less than 28 minutes. Pitiful. But nice to get my heart rate up a little.
30 weeks pregnant
Slightly over 250lbs

Water challenge is going well. Week 1 complete. Stayed on track for 5 of the 7 days.
What are you doing?

Running Advice on Weight Watchers

Just a couple of articles that Weight Watchers pushed out to me. Thought they might be helpful to others.

How do I move from running to walking? actually has some good advice. I think starting at two minutes would be too long for me, but everyone is different.

The bottom of Running 101 includes some suggestions on nice runs in Canada. I also liked this piece of advice, "Running is not sprinting. It is not done at a breathless, my-heart-is-going-to-explode-at-any-minute pace". So slow down and enjoy learning to run.

Weekly goals to help get back to slow running: Water

The long term goal of this blog is to motivate me to get back to running. Since I've been mostly sedentary for about a month now, I've decided to set a simple goal each week. Hopefully all this prep will have me ready to hit my running circuit just a couple weeks after this baby arrives.

Facing down the 250lb mark again, after having been below it for 3 years might be a motivator, too. (For the record, my all time high weigh-in was 270lbs+).

This week I'm going to increase my water intake. I've fallen off the wagon in terms of healthy eating and drinking, so this is a simple step back.

Once upon a time I took a class about project management and the importance of having a plan to succeed. It's a good approach to accomplishing anything. Paraphrasing an excellent professor, a solid plan has at least:

1. A stated objective
2. The tasks required to complete the objective
3. A time frame to complete the tasks
4. A person assigned responsibility for the task
5. An estimate of required resources
6. Deliverable/Outcome

Finally there's a need to always look ahead to make sure that dependencies are accounted for and there are some contingency plans.

Drinking more water is probably more of a task, but I'll take it out a little further.

The objective:

• Drink more water

The tasks:

• Drink two cups of water before each meal & snack
• Take a travel mug of water when on the road
• Actually measure how much water goes in my standard drinking classes

The time frame:

• Drink at least 8 cups of water/day and keep it up for at least 3 weeks

Responsibility:

• That has to be me!

Required resources:

• Mug at work
• Ice cube tray at work
  

Outcome:

• A lot more time in the bathroom.
• Less last minute purchases of hot chocolate, juice, diet soda because there's no nearby cold water.
• More satisfied feeling from my meals and less likely to over eat.

The dependencies:

• Can't think of any.
  

The contingencies:

• Traveling this weekend might be a problem. I'll be sure to drag around a travel mug so I don't have to waste money and environmental resources on bottled water.
• Around the house I'll add a second jug of water to the fridge.
• Make it part of my nightly routine to fill the ice cube tray.
  

Wish me luck!
I know from experience that simple adjustments can cause big changes. I lost my first 5 lbs (in about 1999?) just by giving up Coca-Cola. Maybe this will help hold my weight for the next couple of weeks.

Learning to Run to 1 minute

After quitting the 'Learn to Run' class that was far beyond me, I kept going with the program. Moving inside to a gym treadmill I started on an easy pace. Week 1 was 3 days out. Each day was the same:
5 minute walk
1 minute run
1 minute walk
1 minute run
1 minute walk
1 minute run
10 minute walk

Important things I learned. The value of a good quality pad (I use Tena pads now). Going slow enough to not often need the pad. Going slow enough to still be able to talk, but hard enough that I wouldn't be able to sing.

It become clear pretty early that I needed to do my 3 walk/run days with a day off in between. But I was able to do a strength class on my days off. Or a circuit at the local women's gym. The strength training class as a Mum & Baby class. The circuit was something like what you'd find at Curves.

Because the class was Mum & Baby for those recently post partum it was heavily focused on ab and back strengthening. The warm ups were pretty easy. Usually a short march. Used thera-bands for a little upper body/arm strengthening. Many many many lunges (and more and more each week). Every week there was an ever increasing number of sit-ups and variations. Some of the easiest to get started were a standard sit-up with legs supported on an exercise ball (or chair).

At this point I was at the gym 5 days a week. I ran 3 days. Took my class on the other 2. But time wasn't much of an issue since it was usually a 30-minute trip (including dropping the kids at the daycare) for my run days. The Mum & Baby classes were a bit more time consuming. Maybe 45 minutes? Plus I'd often have to stay a bit late and find a quiet spot to nurse the newest who was just a couple months old.

For the record: Today was my pre-natal check-in. It was bad, as expected. I 'clocked' in at 247lbs. Still not doing anything.

The first run

It was the beginning of April. Warmer than you might expect for my climate (5C). I joined a sister and her friend for my very first running class. It'd been three months since I birthed my second child. My exercise was modest. But I was back at Weight Watchers and down to 221.4lbs. (Down from ~240lb pre-baby).

The class was intimidating. There were all shapes and and sizes, but I was by far the fattest. The largest. The least impressive looking.

Our first night was going to be running down a major highway in my small community. I was embarrassed I'd be seen. Afraid I couldn't do it.

They were reasonable fears. All true in the end. I was seen. I couldn't keep up. We covered 3.4km. The whole thing as 1 minute runs and 1 minute walks. Or some people did. Not me. We were rained on. All in all, it was an ordeal that I never wanted to repeat.

I made many mistakes on that first run. It was too fast. It was too far. I tried to keep up. I was over dressed. By far the most embarrassing part was that I leaked. As in urinary incontinence. Cold, wet, covered in hives and dragged myself home and into the shower and swore to never return. (A quick shower, of course, the baby was waiting to be fed!)

There were three positive things that came out of that class.
1. I stuck with the running, not the class, but the running.
2. I got a training schedule that got me started.
3. I got a sheet of stretches that became my bible.

Maybe the larger thing is that I learned that this had to be about me, about my program and not about what a 140lb 5'10" man thought would be easy for anyone.

For the record: I'm frightened to weigh myself. I'm coming up on 28 weeks pregnant and I was over 245lbs last time I checked. Gained 5 lbs in a week. My prenatal workout class has ended and I haven't been on the treadmill in over a week.